More Than Momma

 An apology without change is quite simply bullshit! I have absolutely no problems accepting an apology and moving on.  I appreciate genuine apologies. I have issue with the apologies that continue to come without behavioral changes. The teen who continually apologies for talking back, coming home late, not doing homework or chores...but never or rarely does anything to prevent continual recurrence of what they just apologized for, or at least lessen that what was wrong. The parent who continually apologizes for the way they treat their child, how they scream or diminish them, or how they are absent mentally, emotionally, or physically.  That apology means nothing if that parent continues their ways. It actually trains the child to never trust. It even models for them what is acceptable behavior in their life. The partner or friend who continually apologizes for biting your head off, being mean, or making you the butt off jokes that just aren't funny. When the apology is ...

 I am far from perfect. FAR from it. There is this niggling that tugs at my brain and my heart though. A little voice that quietly reminds me of all of my faults, my mistakes, my misdeeds. And she is there.  Always.  And sometimes she roars in my ears until I melt into this abyss.  Is that the real purgatory? To live mired in the imperfections of your past. Your present. The things that haunt you into your future. Maybe. or just maybe all of those things that I have studied from Freud and Bloom and the countless psychologists of yore ring true. Either way, I hate it. I hate the internal crumbling. The feelings that who I am today are still a disguise for the stupidity of my youth. Well, let's be real here. My first 35 years or more. I search and I work to quiet this roar within me, but she just keeps clawing her way back into my life.  She stalks me with a stealth so quiet yet aggressive that I barley know when I am under her spell. "They" call it being triggere...