Girls Don't Do That

 The 1970's and 80's were an interestingly wonderful time to grow up.  While bras had been burned and opinions were evolving on race, gender, and even sexuality, there was so much that was still ingrained in everyday life, at least within the suburbs and countryside outside of our nation's capital.  Or is it capitol?  I told you not to expect correct spelling long ago.

And while women were becoming legislatures, news anchors, and surgeons, just as many, if not more, were staying home and conforming to the social norms expected of them.  More females worked as divorce started to become less taboo and I was part of the very first latch key generation.  Hang a key on a shoelace and pop it around our necks to let ourselves in after school.  And no, most of us did not die.

But in my home, there were still so many things that a good girl just did not do.  

Girls could not have a boy in the house with nobody home, even if said boy was her bestie and anything more would be like kissing your brother. "Walter" was permitted, and even welcomed with open arms, if my mom was at home.  But if she was across the street gossipping and he came by, I was expected to tell him to beat feet which seemed so absurd to me.  And of course, as a kid, we always know so much better than our parents.

I bucked the system with that one, and got grounded more than once but please realize grounding for me lasted like an hour until my mom felt guilty and released the bond.  I don't blame her for trying to keep appearances pure, no boys were ever in her house with her daughter unattended by an adult. 

Girls also did not go to the professional football games with all of the guys. It was not safe and not a place for a young lady to be on a late Monday night or a Sunday afternoon.  But could she cheer them loudly from the screen, and even help her grandmother with her betting pool?  But of course.

Girls also did not go down to the shore on an early Saturday morning with all of the guys to fish the day away.  Girls wouldn't want to do that with a bunch of stinky, beer drinking men.  They'd probably curse and scratch themselves and have no idea what to do with a girl.  So, I never went.  Nope, I never went fishing.  

These were but a few of the things that girls just did not do.  But in thinking about it, I do not blame my parents for their 1950's mindset on things I could and could or should and should not do.  Yes, they had lived through the 60's actually marrying in 68.  The had seen the summer of love, the changes in our country during and post Vietnam. They even did a good job in telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up.  But the power of the social sexual norms from which they had lived and even survived in, seeped from their very being like a light perspiration on a humid afternoon. They did not really notice it, but it happened.

My dad was the oldest.  My mother the youngest. Both born in the 1940's.  And while their siblings were much more hippie or modern thinking, they were very much into the Cleaver family values, or striving to be.

It wasn't until I met the hubs, a man with two girls who seriously believed a girl can do whatever they want, even if it is be a stay at home mom, tha I began to not only realize all the things I could do, and had long wanted to do, but I realized too all of the things that I had forgotten that my folks actually had done to empower me as a girl way back when.

With the hubs I have gone to many live football and hockey games, and been completely accepted for acting a fool- I love my teams.  I have fallen in love with fishing and have come to realize all of the dirty, hard working things that I can do right alongside him, albeit a tad slower sometimes, and actually enjoy.  I can drive the riding tractor because he said- "yes you can" and showed me with complete confidence I could.  I mean we grew grass from seed this year.  FROM TINY SEEDS and it did not die! I was barely allowed to plant flowers- but to be fair that might be that I kill most every plant I touch.

In doing things with him that empower me in ways that I had not felt strong before, I can remember more vividly how my parents worked to empower me regardless of being born female.

A girl could have her room be a decorated in the lace and gingham of her favorite color, blue, even if none of the stores sold frilly canopy bed sets in blue back then.  Girls liked pink and purple or yellow.  SO my mom made my bedding and curtains just like I saw in all of the catalogues but could not find in my color.  It was beautiful and told me that I did not have to settle or conform to fit in.

A girl could ride motorcycles, but only on the back of my dad's as a compromise to my mom who was scared to death of riding.  I had a full helmet because that was the safest and no matter how hot we wore sleeves and jeans.  My father had survived a high speed accident against a semi thanks to his helmet and winter leathers, so I was taught that being daring was fun but be smart.  This riding gave me many special days with just me and my dad enjoy the country roads, having picnics in historic locations, and always bringing the backgammon board to challenge our brains.  These moments taught me the value of silence- it was probably the only time we were a quiet pair, riding.  It taught me to enjoy and value the beauty of our natural world and the simple things it provides us, like the perfect falls to dip into on a hot summer ride,  And it taught me trust.

A girl could also have an opinion, and boy I have a lot of those.  In a world where both grandparents were accustomed to saying that children should be seen and not heard, especially at the table, my parents were polar opposites. I was encouraged and invited to join into conversations at a family dinner, even though sometimes I had to tamp it down a bit.  My dad would listen to my ideas and not just immediately dismiss my musings.  Sure there were times that I heard, "adult conversation" and I knew to mind my business but it was fine.  I got to not only have but share many of my opinions openly with them and so did my friends.  SO I learned to be the kind of person who listens to her children and their friends, when oftentimes others would not.  I wanted to be open and honest and take in everything my kids wanted to tell me and help them experience all of the world, not just what I thought they needed or should know. I learned the value of being that one adult that would talk to you and take you seriously at seven or seventeen. I wanted to take what my parents started with me and go even further so that my kids would always feel heard.

And while I grew up with a skewed outlook at all of the things my parents forbade me to do or the things that have been done wrong, they actually did a lot of really great things too.  I did not become a teacher because it was what girls can do, I became a teacher because it was what I wanted to do. Had I wanted to be a doctor our a mechanic that would probably have been encouraged when I was little too.

I did lots of things in my life that my parents did not agree with, but they were there, until they could not, when life became too much for them.  And that part of our lives is somehow what I have focused on.  The time after things fell apart.  But there was so much more, before that time, that I need to keep pulling from the dark recesses of my brain. What good does it do to hyper focus on the "what went wrong?"

I need to do a better job refocusing away from all of their shortcomings and on the things that occurred in my life after my father fell ill and our lives drastically changed.  I need to stop zoning in in all of the tings I was told I should not do as bad things, as major drawback of having stupid parents.

They were doing their best to raise a good person.  I fought it tooth and nail. 

And to be honest, as a young girl, it would have totally sucked to be stuck on a boat all day without catching any fish, I was the type that needed to be entertained.  And if I was my dad, I would not want my daughter in tow the one Sunday a year that I got to go be with the guys, drinking and swearing, watching our favorite Washington Redskins win or lose.  He deserved his time to not be a dad and in hindsight I wish he had been able to go more.  Did he really need to stay home every weekend with us?  I mean his time seemed to go so fast in the grand scheme of things. And mom with the no boys in the house?  Well duh?  I get it now and should have trusted her more.

But does anyone really think of these things when they are little?  Do we even think about our parents as people when we are so self centered and young? 

As I have learned from my own kids, boys don't.  And girls don't so that either.