The Perfect Life
Life is not perfect. But I thought that others actually had the perfect life. My friends had happier parents, more friends, and carefree lives. Other kids were attractive, the ones everyone wanted to be like and be around, and never had a worry in the world. Other marriages were blissful, fulfilling, and without constant struggle. Other moms were perfecting parenting and were raising amazing humans without even batting an eye- Don't get me wrong because my kids are pretty darn amazing people.
I was raised at a time, in an era, with a home where appearances mattered. It was not necessarily what went on inside the home that mattered. It was what others perceived to be that was important. But it was all a facade. A farce.
Now I do not blame my parents for living like this. It is what they knew and what they aspired to be. It was actually what the media was feeding them much like what social media is feeding our children today. "Everyone else has THE BEST life and you don't want to be left out." So the lie is perpetuated.
Mom wanted to be the perfect wife and mother despite the demons that plagued her. That is what women who stayed at home were expected to be. The house was expected to be cleaned. Dad's shirts were starched and hung. Hordes of kids were carted wherever they wanted to go. And she was expected to be happy, perfect. That sure is a lot of pressure especially for women who had no role models in their lives on how to do or be any of the things they believed were expected of them. They were living a lie and hiding it from the world as best they could and felt like failures so what was their value after all?
Dad wanted to be the perfect husband and father. That was what he was raised to understand. Men left their dreams behind to take care of their family when their fathers fell ill and could no longer care for the younger siblings. They took jobs that would support their family, all of them. They would work day and night, and eventually weekends to afford every opportunity, material thing, and holiday for his own child that he and his siblings never had. He was expected to be the rock no matter what turmoil lie in wait within or beyond their control. An amazing amount of pressure especially for men who believed that if they only worked hard their lives would be set and ended up learning that work ethic in the eighties meant little to the bottom line of large corporations. They were expendable so what was their value after all.?
And I wanted to be perfect but was far from it. But such pressure for just a child. We did what we knew. We did our best and we hid the truth behind a facade.
Don't get me wrong. I have very happy memories from my childhood. There are glorious events and opportunities that were afforded to me that others would kill for. But my life was not perfect and that was difficult for me to come to terms with because I fervently believed that others had perfection.
This hidden drive for perfection within a very flawed human entity of being persisted and still needs to be battled within. It is a flawed desire that I let cloud my own past relationships and parenting. It is a flawed desire that my children inherited from me. The inconceivable notion that we need to be perfect beings and that if we are not that we must hide behind a falsehood, behind lies, as if we are not good enough to warrant the realities of a better tomorrow for who we are. That we are not worthy of being loved for who we are. That the bad that happens within our lives are somehow not actually being caused by being imperfect.
But alas, we are human. We are not perfect despite what social media now tries to hurl at our children, at us. We do not have to fit into some category to be loved or love ourselves. We do not have to hide from the imperfections within our world, our relationships, and ourselves to be worthy of good, kindness, or change. We are enough, just as we are. and yes, we can always aspire for better. BUT....
By hiding who we are, the experiences we live including the terrible, we are denying our value. We are justifying and self victimizing rather than learning, growing, and becoming.
So to hell with any platform, person, or social norm that says I must hide who I am for some made up perspective of perfection. I am enough and what I feel is valid. To hell with hiding behind the facade of what might look like a good family or healthy relationship if it is just but a lie. Those are what will erode your soul and bring you to the depths of darkness.
And to hell with acting like I have left all of those trappings of fake perfection behind over a decade ago. Those actions are so ingrained and are subconscious defenses, calls to actions, at times when I feel inadequate. They are times when internally I rear up and act to prove I am worthy. That I am indeed the perfect partner, friend, mother.
I reject the need to hide my truth. I reject the need to fake the realities of my life to the world. I reject the need to prove my worth; my perfect status.
I invite my children to embrace their imperfections and to love those parts of themselves. They are worthy. They are enough. They are loved and loveable just for who they are, scars, emotions, faults, strengths and all.
I invite you to stop faking it. To see behind the veiled illusions we create about the lives of others. To bring light and love to you because you are worthy just as you are. You are perfect as you are. There is no definition of what you must do, bear, or conceal to become or seem perfect. to have value. Worth.
The perfect life can no longer be what we think others want to see and know. We can no longer assume what perfection must be. The perfect life must be life in truth without rose colored glasses, otherwise, is it really worth it all? Did we really live our lives or did we hide from it inside a shell afraid to come out into the glory of what this life truly has to offer?
It is time to break free from those trappings because I have nothing to prove. I am perfect for me with all of my scars and imperfections. I am perfectly loved for who I am without hiding from who I was, what I think, and what makes my emotions flow. I am in the perfect space with the perfect people so that I can be the truest me I have ever been even though all of that is completely imperfect to some. I am perfectly flawed and in that I am me. The only one that exists. Perfection redefined.
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