Surviving Your Parents or Breaking the Cycle #1

Did you have a favorite of your parents? Was there one that you wanted to be around more than the other? Was that parent actually better, or were you just needing something from them?

Let's face it- parenting is one heck of a job.  No instructions. Often little to no support. We are just doing what we think is best.  And sometimes that might make us the favorite parent or the not so favorite one.  I have been both so I reflect on the following with respect and no blame at all.

The Favorite Parent

Growing up, my dad was the favorite parent.  This could be attributed to many things.  Daddy - daughter relationships always came to mind first but for us it was much more.  My dad got to be the fun parent by the very nature of the circumstances of the times and our lives.

My father worked.  I mean he was seriously a workaholic. This was how he was raised to be and what was expected if he was to support his family and provide more than he had as a child.  He was a hard worker and had learned this from his father who had learned it from his.

For men of this time, and many still today, the man was the provider.  His job was to work hard to provide everything that his family could ever need and then some.

I recently learned that both of my parents came from poor backgrounds having only known this to be true on my father's side.  Both had their own baggage and both, to my memory, really wanted the American dream for their newly formed family and lives.  

So Daddy worked and for many years, Mom was home- like in many families even though latchkey kids were invented in my day.

My father worked all hours and schedules. He worked at home to make it nicer.  He worked at his mother's home to make it last. He worked on trying to keep two younger brothers on track after the passing of his father.  He worked to keep the peace between two families almost akin to the Hatfields and McCoys.  He worked to keep his own sanity. And he worked to be a good dad.

With all the responsibility that he had to take on- sole provider, handyman, peace maker, eldest son left standing, and more- my dad was absent a lot.  No blame.  No guilt.  No sympathy asked.  LOTS of people experience this life and today kids have absent parents unlike anything I ever experienced.

The reflection on that is interesting though.

Reflection as a Kid

As a kid, the time that I did get with my dad was special. Sacred.  Simply because we did not get a lot of it. Most of the times that we did get to spend together were for a vacation, holiday, event, occasional day off of work, but he knew that they were not equal to the amount of time I got to spend with my mom. So he made sure the times were memorable.  Add all of that up and who did I crave?  Who did I want?  Daddy. Who was the FUN parent? Daddy. Who got my undivided attention with a single request?  You get the deal.

I was Daddy's little girl every step of the way- even after he lost his way and became ill when I was 15.  I wanted my Daddy.

Reflection as a Parent

As an adult parent, my subconscious, yes and even my conscious, would guide my parenting.  Those things that had been modeled for me that stuck became part of me.  

You may have guessed it, but I worked. A Lot!  I worked at school teaching.  I worked tutoring. I worked leading clubs and sports.  I worked leading trainings, writing curriculum, and helping the greater good of education. I worked after-school, evening, and weekend events as "required" by a good teacher.  And I even worked at a time when good teachers were expected to do home visits, community outreach, and volunteer events for the good of the community.  I even worked to feed and cloth and get the needed supports for students and families.

I worked second and third jobs to provide the funds that our household needed. I even took a job where I traveled 4-7 days a week so that my children could have a better life than what we were experiencing.

Everything I worked for during their life was for them.  But I was absent. Except for holidays, vacations, special events and occasions, or the occasional day off from work. And for five years of their lives, to provide a future for them, I relied on the help of a nanny, friends, and some relatives to step in while I worked. I was absent a lot.

Again. No blame. No guilt (mostly). No sympathy or reassurance asked. LOTS of people experience this life.

The second reflection on that is even more interesting.

As a parent, the time that I did get with my kids was sacred.  I wanted it to be perfect. Simply because we did not get a lot of it.  Add to all of the time that I worked on work, I also was responsible to work on the home stuff. I was not always the fun parent.  I had to be the parent that followed up on the progress reports, the undone homework, the dirty rooms, and the calls from schools.  I worked on the presents for the parties, the donations for school events, and sign-ups for all things related to kids.  

In the mash-up that became our life, I became one parent acting as two, often counteracting the myriad of things that would be set into motion and out of my control.  I was the hot and cold parent.  I wanted to be fun and have our time be special.  But I had to hold down the fort and keep all the plates spinning as both mom and dad. It was probably as confusing for them as it oftentimes was for me.

In hindsight, well, you can't go back. But if I did have it all to do over again, I would have been better with boundaries and expectations on follow through.  Post-divorce while traveling for work I had so much guilt about not being present daily, that I would often skimp in areas where my kids needed me more.  The things that they need for their own growth whether you are around or not. I would have set and kept better boundaries and expectations before my divorce with my spouse so that I did not need to  fill in the gaps and work outside the home even more to do so. 

But ultimately, I learned two things from my dad- well three.

1. Having a good work ethic is invaluable.  Don't be afraid of hard work and be willing to do what it takes to get out of a bad spot- even if you don't think you created it.
2. Make the time you have with your children count.
3. Don't forget to create a work life balance.  Break the cycle that did not work for him or you are destined to repeat it.

Breaking the Cycle - a little but hopefully not too late

After five years on the road, I changed positions to be home when my kids were home.  Silly me though.  I took on my Master's and Doctorate degrees because I had not yet learned my lesson on work life balance.  It took a life changing health scare for my youngest to make me reevaluate the time I was and was not truly spending with my children. For me to realize that being present is not just a physical state. I stopped my dissertation, mid-process, to care for my child but gained a completely new perspective on my time and what limited time I had with my kids.

I still work. And sometimes I work too much.  But I work on different things too - including my kids of course.

I have found that more precious than the things I can give are those that I can offer in the way of my being truly present.  I can only be present- even from afar- if I make certain that the balance beam of work-life does not teeter in the wrong way. And that I am armed with the tools to keep myself in check.

So now- there are days in which I do not work. There are days in which my work is completely personal. And there are days where my work is more rewarding than anything I have ever done previously: being a quality mom, spouse, friend, person.  

No more half assing it on the work most important or the work that needs to be left undone.