Trigger Warning

 There are times in your life that are just really hard and don't make sense.  Times when the hurt you feel infuriates your brain.  Times when your brain is completely perplexed at why your heart hurts because you should know better.  You have experienced this before.  Some things just don't change.

At least, for me, there are those times.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the trying to grasp the illusion of specific connections that I want that are in direct opposition to what I have.

And it is not all relationships.  Only one or two that no matter how hard I try- they are toxic.

My brain knows that this will never change, but the heart still wants it to be so.

The hubs, the friends, the therapists- they all tell me that certain people are just going to be how they are.  They most likely will not change.  Their actions and words should not be a shock, a surprise, and definitely not something that I should allow the power to upset me.

The brain can, many times, remember this, and keep the heart protected.  Keep the mind rational.  Prevent the past pain to irrationally erupt within the current situation.  And sometimes?  It cannot.  

Does this mean I am weak? Stupid maybe?  Probably not.  No!  Definitely not!

I am damn strong.  And I have more than once been proud to proclaim "I'm smart" and I think I actually am.  So what is it?

What makes the words and actions of specific individuals cause so much- well reaction and not a happy one?  The latest therapist calls it trauma and being triggered.  But let me tell you, I have denounced that notion for years!

Sure we all have shit.  Sure I would call some of mine traumatic.  But triggered?  That is something that you let happen.  Right?

Wrong.  I am beginning to believe that the therapist might be on to something.  For so long I looked at the notion of being triggered as an excuse for not having yourself under control or having no self control.  I have been there.  I remember the times where my response felt and was uncontrollable.  But I have had years of therapy, been living a life of gratitude, found God, forgiven, understood, and grown to where I am no longer that person who gets triggered.

What.  A.  Laugh.  

I have learned great coping skills.  I have learned how to make and keep boundaries.  Well most of them.  And I have worked hard to ensure that I am living a life surrounded by people who would not cause me harm.  All of these things, especially the people in my life today- the hubs, my close friends, and yes the therapist- help me to cope and of course lessen any interactions from day to day that would cause such a triggering event of the kind I have experienced.

But sometimes, if the circumstances persist, the conditions are primed, and someone who knows the buttons to push by heart pushes so hard and so incessantly that I succumb.  

The old emotions flood in.  The old desires for something different, better, start spinning. And I find myself on the negative, angry, upsetting hampster wheel of death. 

Why can I not simply ignore the things that get me here?  Why can I not simply get over it- not let it hurt, anger, or twist me up inside?  I have no idea.

I just know that after all of this time, all of the counseling and self help books, and all of the skills I have in my backpack of tricks- it still happens.  And it sucks.

I also know, that as much as I hate to admit it- being triggered is a thing.  There are for some, inexplicable things from the past that have imprinted themselves in such a way that it is harder than climbing Everest.  And even some of the world's strongest people would not be able to conquer Everest. And no matter how strong I am, my Everest can knock me for a loop.

But now. Even if not right away.  I can find my way off of that hamster wheel of death and regain my footing.  I can stare down my Everest, or walk away, or stop reading the messages.  I can choose to embrace the majority of those in my life who love without conditions and without any desire, consciously or unconsciously, to push any buttons that would throw me off to careen unmercilessly down the rugged, frozen, and isolated face of my Everest.

I am human.  I have stuff I have lived through and stuff that I sometimes still encounter that makes me feel weak. But I know I am strong because I am still here.  I am loved.  I love.  I have happiness given and received.  I am a survivor.  Survivors are strong.






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