Verbal, Emotional, Mental Abuse- It is real

 I have heard, from lots of different folks, that one or all of the above are bogus, fake, or something that weak people say occurred to them.  I am here to call bullshit.

Nobody wants to admit that they have been party to any type of abuse- especially that which they have no physical proof. The reality is that some of those who do the abusing, in my opinion, may not realize how or why they are doing what they are being accused of and oftentimes the ones being abused have rationalized through months or years of conditioning, that this abuse is somehow their fault. They have caused this treatment or they deserve what has occurred.

Furthermore, in my opinion, since this is difficult to prove- lack of physical evidence- it is very difficult for authorities to take it seriously unless they witness it themselves.

Verbal abuse includes but is not limited to:

  • Name-calling, belittling, insulting
  • Threatening or blackmail
  • Gaslighting
  • Patronizing
  • Blame
  • Manipulation through guilt- "If you really loved me you would..."
  • Passive abuse - "I was only joking" "You are so sensitive"

Emotional Abuse includes  but is not limited to:

  • False accusations of cheating or other possessive/jealous behaviors
  • Isolating individual from family and friends
  • Withholding affection or attention
  • Trivializing the other person's concerns or needs
  • Shaming
  • Verbal abuse
  • Refusal to participate in the relationship to work on it together

Mental Abuse includes but is not limited to:

  • Non-physical behaviors meant to-
    • intimidate
    • isolate
    • control
    • frighten
  • Codependence
  • Humiliation
  • Emotional neglect
  • Extreme criticism
Why do those who are being abused sometimes hide what is happening, deny it, do not report it?

In my experience, the abused actually has come to believe that one or a combination of things.  For me it was shame and at times it was the belief ingrained in me that no one would believe me based on my family history.  Things that had happened to my father were used against me to make me believe that if I spoke out, not only would people consider me "crazy" but I would lose everything.  My job. My home. My kids.

I had learned, from similar childhood experiences, that being treated as I was being was how it was in a home.  And I had learned early on it stayed in the home. I learned to live in some semblance of fear was normal even though that is far from normal.

There was fear.  Fear of having love withheld. Fear of not being good, perfect, enough. Fear of what I could lose spelled out above and on the regular. Fear of what might happen physically if I did leave. I at least knew that if I stayed, nothing would physically happen.  But unfortunately I was wrong.  

I did not see all of the physical things that my body was keeping score of and I ignored the actual physical altercations as somehow being my fault.

You might actually agree that I was crazy.  Well, I was not thinking rationally this is true. But that does not mean that I had some mental defect.  I lived in fight or flight mode at all times.

What is Fight or Flight? 

Fight or flight is a physiological response to perceived danger or threat,  attack, or threat to the body's survival.  This is an automatic response with physical and mental impacts.  Trembling. Increased heart rate and breathing. Pupil dilation. And, the kicker, only the survival instincts are kicking in within your brain.  So, you may not be able to make any sense of what you were thinking later. 

"Why in the world did I think staying was a better choice?" "Why did I stay engaged in that family situation?"

That's easy.  Fight or flight.  There was not anything rational about what you were thinking.

Extended periods, or a lifetime, of fight or flight- waiting for the other shoe to drop, walking on eggshells- can have major impacts on a person's well-being. Things like:
  • Depression and chronic fatigue
  • GI issues
  • Heart issues and stroke, increased BP
  • Anxiety
  • Metabolic disorders
  • and the list goes on

Now What?

  • The first step? Acknowledge that this is really happening to you.
  • Put yourself first and get professional help in doing so. Practice self-care. Stop trying to please the person abusing you even though it is second nature to do so, at first.
  • Establish boundaries.  Tell the abusive person that they are no longer to treat you in the manner that they have.  Be specific. Be clear what will occur if they ignore that boundary. "If x continues I will leave the room." "If y continues we can no longer have contact." Do not communicate any boundary you are not willing to keep.
  • Stop blaming yourself.  You did not do anything to create the situation you are in.  There was no crystal ball.  Start from today and go back to step one. Then step two with your self-care and professional help.  It is ok to get help as much as you need.
  • Realize that no matter what you do, you cannot fix or change them. Nothing that you do differently will change how they treat you or how they act.
  • Stop engaging with them.  Engaging with an abusers only lets them in for more abuse and control and heartache for you.
  • Build a real support network.  Who can really understand what you have gone through and not blow it off?  Who will help confirm what you know is going on even when you second guess yourself?  Who really has you mental and physical health as a priority? Noone?- get more professional help immediately.
  • Make an "exit plan." If the person abusing you has absolutely no real intention of change, you will not be able to stay in that relationship.  While every situation is different, and every cycle of abuse if different, deep down you know the cycle your abuser follows. So discuss your thoughts with someone you truly trust and if need be, make an exit plan. and if for any reason you do not exit, remember that abuse can escalate so at minimum, have a safety plan.
Know that you can make a new path for your life.  Know that it is very easy to walk into another abusive relationship if you do not have the tools to identify them ahead of time. And you can learn the skills and still make mistakes.  We are human.

But I am here to attest that you do not have to live a life of fear, anxiety, and abuse.  I am here to attest that you can have a healthy and completely fulfilling relationship with others.  I am proof.  My partner is proof.  Our children are proof.

If I can do it, anybody can.  

Not all abuse leaves visible scars but you can overcome all the scars that are there.

Are you or someone you know a victim of any type of abuse?

1800-799-7233
Text- START to 88788





  

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