Back To School Shopping

The youngest went back to college this weekend.  He moved himself in. I was a thousand miles away. And it was the very first time in over 20 years that I did not have to brave any store for any supply of any kind for the Back-to-School rush.

While his brother was in college, he was relatively close so we would go to help out with the annual college move or post summer sublet clean up. But this year, due to family conflicts in scheduling, the youngest went it alone.  He even said, "I rely on you too much momma.  I need to do this on my own!"  

Knife to the gut!

I know that for some folks, this is the norm.  You help them pack up the car and send them off.  But I have always kind of been a little extra when it came to my boys.  Add to it that I am a former educator and that brings Back-to-School to an entirely next level experience. And when they were younger, crazy!  I remember having to but double of everything after the divorce- one set for mom's and another for dad's.  The counting and packing up of items alone was an event.  We would need weeks to be prepared back then.

This past weekend, empty nesting but not realizing it, I decided that it was the perfect weekend to run errands that I needed and wanted to get done.  The hubs had to stay at home for some work that was being completed at the house so I could just go and do my stuff. Grab a fancy coffee.  Drop off several Amazon returns to the UPS Store.  Return a few items to the craft store that I thought were a good idea when I bought them. Do a little bra shopping because why not.  Pop on into Target because it was there. Just do whatever I felt like.

So I wrapped up a call with the youngest, all moved in and contemplating his rationale for the 2am call the previous night that could have waited until normal old people were awake, grabbed my fancy coffee and blissfully walked into Target.  I had done all of the returns so it was time to spend.

Fall items were in the $5 bins up front.  I LOVE FALL!  I couldn't wait to see what else the had for the season.

I meandered through the cosmetics and toiletries grabbing this and that.  Searched through housewares to see if I might grab a Ninja Creami after season, those elusive little buggers. I stopped in the food section for silly stuff I forgot at the grocery. And then, in the back of the store, I approached a madhouse mess of carts and people.  Perplexed at first, but then I saw the signage- everywhere.  The summer garden section had been transformed into the Back-to-School section and it was amassed with kids and parents and lists.  I guess school was string this week here.  I had totally forgotten.

At first, I giggled turning my cart away. I was thankful that I was not in that mess this year.  But as I made my way through the electronics and back to the clothing section, a quiet solemness came over me.  It was the moment that it hit me. I did not have to do that any more.

It was as if another "they don't need me anymore" moment smacked me in the face when I was least expecting it.  This was my day to do whatever I wanted to do and I surely did not want to sulk in a Target store.  That is when poor shopping decisions happen.

So I left with the few items in my cart- it was only a one bag day at Target for me with this interruption in my head- and went to the mall for my lingerie.  Guess what? It was tax free weekend and when the chipper sales clerk shared this silly me asked why.  Ha.  Smack again. That is why all of the stores I walked into had mom's and their daughters buying frantically.  Not just sales and tax free.  The sales and tax free was because of school.  DUH!

Now don't worry.  I did not wallow for long. I purchased way too many items from Victoria's Secret but walked away from the $100 jean because $100. And I was able to make it out of the mall in decent spirits.

And soon enough? The youngest called and needed me again so my mothering needs were met too. But it was a funny thing.  The experience of my day.

Even funnier though? My coworker called me, coworker and friend, and began sharing a very similar experience.  On her morning walk she always passes the local school.  Today, the kids were all out in their first week of school best.  As she passed, it hit her too.  No more of it for her and she had been at this longer than I.  We were astonished that we experienced the same sense of loss.  I mean we felt like we were missing out on the one week that usually costs parents tons of money and even a little of their sanity, but we were missing it just the same.

As we smiled and share, it was a video chat, she then shared something pretty profound. Last year our youngest children left for college but there was still so much to do to get them there and set up.  But this year, it is quite different.  The new chapter has now really begun.

Not only has it begun, but it is a little scary.  We have absolutely no idea what this chapter will bring. It is good and there is so much to look forward to, but for the first time in several decades we were facing unset routines and schedules.  Before, with kids at home, you kind of got into a swing.  This happens in August.  We have this going on in the fall and then in the winter we do that.  It isn't exact every year but there is a rhythm, an instinctive knowing  and for the things you don't know, you figure it out based on watching the other parents or winging it with your super parenting powers.

That routine of knowing what you needed to do each month of the year based on the kids was gone.  Not totally, but not like before.  They survived and were returning to year two of college.  They were legally adults. And while they still need some level of parenting they no longer needed the security blanket of momma day in and day out.

I thought I had been empty nesting for the past year, but I was actually only partially empty nesting, if that is a thing.  Last year I pushed the bird out of the nest and held a safety net close below his fledgling flight.  But this year?  This is the year he is pushing me to continue to fly and create a new set of routines and purpose that belong solely to me.  With the exception of the random ill-timed calls that wake us all up, it is my turn to find my way in this exciting new chapter of life.