Just Because

It is really hard for some to understand the decisions that you make, especially if the view that they have of the journey you have had is skewed by their own journey or regrets. I understand.  I have been there.

I have come to the point in my life, however, where I must do what is the healthiest for myself and for those that I love: even if that includes disconnecting with some of those same folks.  It is not something that I relish, do out of malice, or am particularly proud of. It just is.

Surviving certain situations in my life, and thriving because of them, in spite of them, has made me appreciate and seek a certain level of peace in my life. I know what I want in what I have left on this planet and I know what I choose not to be party to. I call them boundaries yet others may call them something else.  These boundaries I have established for very particular reasons.

1. I am human and have limits.  And that is ok.

2. I am old enough to know what types of things, behaviors, etc. trigger me or depress me.  And that is ok.

3. I do not have to continue to subject myself to situations or people that inhibit my ability to be my best self just because- they are a relative, someone I have known a long time, or are in some position of power. And that is ok.

4. I have the power to advocate for what I will and will not accept in my relationships and to follow through if those expectations are trampled on.  And that is ok.

5. I can love people even if I can no longer have them in my daily life. And that is ok too.

Life is far from perfect and so are we.  There are numerous things that we must simply deal with.  However, it is healthy for us to have a handle on what is and is not acceptable in our world.

In my life, I have dealt with things, hidden them from those closest to me, and pushed forward and endured just because (fill in the blank). But I was miserably depressed and living a life of fear and uncertainty awaiting for the next proverbial shoe to drop. That is no way to go about tryin to live one's life. And that is ok.

It is ok to stand up for what you believe. It is ok to determine what is acceptable and what you are willing to or able to put up with from other people.  It is ok to state what is your limit and what will occur if that limit is pushed way too far. And it is ok to follow through with want you say will occur.

You may feel guilt.  And that is ok.

You may get backlash.  And while that is not ok, it actually is- you got this.

You may second guess yourself.  And that too is ok.

You can change your mind but you can never stop inappropriate actions or behaviors if you never take a stand for yourself.  That part really is not ok.  I mean, how are you taking care of yourself if you are miserable, depressed, or in a place that is not safe for you mind, heart, or body?  You are not.  And if you do not take care of yourself, you can not possibly take care of anyone else in any way that is even close to being what you would want it to be.  I know this.

I previously stayed the course in relationships...just because....I wanted to be loved, I didn't think I deserved any better, I rationalized that they were mentally ill, I was related to them, and the list goes on.

It was not until I learned that I have to love myself first, just because, that I learned how I wanted others to treat me; that I found a partner worthy of the life that I want to live; that I could be the mom I really wanted and thought that I was being.

By removing the toxicity, as best that I can, I can try to put a stop to the negative hamster wheel of hell that I could easily find myself on with specific individuals or situations. Life is too short to simply accept that which seeks to tear you down. It is ok to choose yourself and those who agree to the type of life you want to live. It is ok to limit the rest. And that is more than ok.  You deserve it. You do.  Trust me.  I never thought it to be true.

But now I do.

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