Race to Nowhere

 Life is finally settling back to "normal"for whatever that is for us. But MAN! It feels like the clock is ticking faster and faster with each breath, each day, each week that passes me by. It's a race to nowhere really. I can barely keep pace yet somehow I do.  But do I?

Wake. Coffee. Work. Walk dog. Work more. Walk dog. Adult- bills, grocery, chores. Then the brain goes dormant, on overload from a day of decisions, creativity, conversations, and what I call "sparkle"..and then there is no sparkle left that day.  

Did I eat? Damn it.  Make food, or the semblance of a meal for us. Eat. Doom scroll, read, "watch" something. Fall into bed. Toss and turn until who knows when just to awake at 3. Then at 6. And finally get annoyed and get up at some point to begin again.

Personal hygiene and medication is handled as evident by wet towels, rumpled clothes in the hamper, and the pill cases that always seem to need filling. Food is eaten because the fridge empties.  Laundry gets done because I have clean clothes. The plants die but the dog has survived, so he is getting fed- probably by the hubs - HA! But where did the time go???? Where did the breaks that slowed it all down disappear to? How have I gotten myself on the fast track to nowhere?

It is not as if we don't do things. We totally do and have the best times.  I see the pictures! Joking here- kind of. But how have I gotten so far away from the things that I know for a fact help me slow my roll, but mostly my brain? 

Well, let's be completely honest her.  Excuses are easy and I am really good at those AND avoidance.  We all have these in our toolbox but I am the master at them both. At least when the kids were here I could not avoid the breaks for practice, games, birthdays, and boy shenanigans. While it was busy, these were the brain breaks I craved and thrived on to slow down the moments and be momma me.  But they are grown. EXCUSE!

My beach and coffee buddy is long gone. Nobody can fill her shoes or know me from so long ago for who I was, I am, and want to be. I mean, I could try, and there are a few folks here maybe, but....AVOIDANCE! EXCUSE! And let's add in a little self pity and grief for good measure.

My shopping, talk for hours, laugh til you have to pee, ride or die is time zones away chasing her own speeding train. Someone neglected to tell my Book Club babes that part of the agreement was that they were supposed to pause life while I was away and strategically teleport me to anything fun or interesting they were going to do because there is nobody here like them. My balance is jacked so my bike collects dust and aerial yoga isn't booked. And somehow hikes and walks take way too much time. EXCUSES- AVOIDANCE- and let's sprinkle in some "Are you kidding me?" guilt for not finding another way to get what I need for my mental health handled.

I mean, Amazon shopping has been fun enough albeit costly. Therapy reminds me of what I need to do. My intelligent brain knows how to recreate the habits that help me find my balance and slow down the perceived speed, but, let's be honest, I have explained the rut.

Maybe the rut is more of a drainage ditch, one where I am stuck. Because this past week, a prime example of the race to nowhere, we had plans with friends. One more email. One more task.  One more response to that IM.  And the next thing you know, I have to be ready to go in 10 minutes for our reservation. I am in the equivalent of gym clothes, even though I was not near any gym, no make up, troll doll frizzy hair, AND the dog still needed a walk. I pulled it off and was out the door in time. But I probably did not start to relax and enjoy our friends and the music untl halfway through our evening.  The hubs even had to make me order real food. The speed and stress of the day tightened my to where I was not hungry. If you know me, you that is bizarre in and of itself. I LOVE FOOD!

So now what? I know what to do. I know how to do it. But there is something simply getting in my way.

It's me. 

Sorry my dears. No positive spin this time. But maybe just getting this down and pushing it out will be enough to help me empty to the avoiding excuse brain to make room for the me that I know is there. She is screaming to be unleashed to enjoy the moments in slow motion...because life is short...and the clock is ticking.


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