Hurt and Grace

I have learned so much about myself over the half century of my life. Forgiveness (of others), acceptance (of others), open-mindedness (towards others), not having to agree with viewpoints or ideas that make no sense to me. I have yet to learn how to cope with hurt and disappointment from those I care most about.  On top of the trend I see above (about others first before self- an addition noticed after writing this).

I go about my life skipping along blissfully with my head and my heart possibly in the clouds.  I cultivate scenes of unicorns and rainbows, glitter and sunshine. I give my heart and those who have it my everything, even if sometimes I get sidetracked with the proverbial crap that gets in my mental way. I love hard, fully, and with unfettered abandon (so I like to think).

I hold firm to my belief that one should just be a good person. I almost defiantly believe that one should have or seek to have an emotional IQ that is conscientious of the emotional investment of others. And I believe that you should invest in people who are there for you. (See where the unfettered abandon gets squishy? Again, and addition realized after initially writing this!)

But this is a set-up.  A trap. Because not only does life not work this way, but people are not wired to be this ideal that I am projecting upon them.  Hell, I am not that ideal, expect myself to be, and somehow finding that I should expect it of others. Our brain protects us from things experienced as harmful, dangerous.  We respond accordingly.  My expectations are simply stupid and that in itself is a self-sabotaging trap. 

I mean, if I hurt someone else, I am emotionally shattered...but why?  My hurting their feelings does not somehow negate my values or person in full. It is not about me.  My intent or perception of self doesn't mean shit here. It is about them. How they feel. Get over yourself lady! 

But here is today's ultimate question--Why am I devastatingly shocked when something or someone I am completely invested in appears not to reciprocate, or slights me or my feelings, investment of time, love, loyalty? My rational brain may completely get why something occurs. But my irrational emotional brain? She is another beast unto herself. 

I am sure there is something my therapist can tell me about this: love being withheld previously; lauding expectations upon self and others that are unrealistic; need to control after a life of chaos that could not be controlled... I mean the list freaking goes on.  She would also have an amazing list of coping skills: evaluation tactics for determining if the feelings or thoughts are founded in evidence; are there alternative explanations; refocusing; breathing; writing (HA! Go figure); exercise; etc.  I have an entire trunk of tricks from her at my disposal.

But. I.  Get. Stuck.  

My best friend stated that today's straw that broke the camel's back was just that.  The singular action or inaction that flipped my irrational brain on. And welcome to PTSD.  She may have said that my experiences and feelings are the definition of PTSD...but....REALLY? PTSD?  Why yes, PTSD.

I think my biggest problem with this description is a whole other issue I have with labels that we give to things that it was ingrained in me that one should just buck up and get over. But in reality- rational brain here for a moment- I know I have been through some shit.  Trauma if you will.  Rational brain knows that trauma fundamentally changes how your brain works, processes, interprets.  Irrational brain kicks in and says - buck up bitch.  Stop being a fucking pansy and letting that shit get to you.  Don't let yourself be one of the people who get triggered by stupid stuff.

But wait. Isn't my shit stupid shit to someone else? There is the mind fuck right there, right? 

For some reason I not only place unrealistic expectations on how others will respond, react, and see my investments and actions.  I ALSO place unrealistic expectations on myself on how I respond, react, and see their investments and action towards me, or those I love and things I hold in high regard. 

I mean, I was not in a war.  I did not survive a mass casualty event. So PTSD? It feels like a serious over indexing of my lived experiences.  People have been through WAY worse things than I have. Believe me.  They deserve this label, diagnosis, and understanding.  But me?  Yeahhhhh, I don't know- says the irrational brain.

Thank God for my rational brain, when it tries to overrule that irrational - let's say brat because I have cussed enough- and for the people in my life who allow me the space to cry, process the emotions, the triggers, and the feelings.  Thank God for this life, trauma, PTSD, exceptional beauty of today.  All of it.

And mostly, I thank God for allowing me space to search for grace within myself and for myself.  The second being the hardest.

I still do not have the answer to today's question or any others that popped into my brain and spilled out from my fingertips throughout my rambling.  I guess that is ok?

I am still taking my time to find that grace for myself.


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